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5 Insecurities That You Are Projecting Onto Your Man

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Dear (those) ladies,

I’m writing this with the utmost respect, but full disclosure, I’m committed to 100 percent honesty.

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Yes, I know most women have a few flaws. You have a stretch mark (or two … or 10) from childbearing or weight loss/gain/loss/gain. Your hair isn’t perfect. Maybe you’ve been hurt before in a past relationship. Whatever it is, with certainty, you’ve declared that men aren’t into you because of … [insert your deepest insecurity here].

Let me address this with a straight-up statement, as promised — STOP IT!! 

Stop projecting your “stuff” (baggage) onto your guy. It not only confuses him, but it also drives him crazy and drives you crazy (and not in a good way).

Here are a few of your deep insecurities that you project onto your man and, in doing so, are sabotaging your relationship: 

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1. That you’re ugly and hopelessly flawed. 

A guy who is truly into you isn’t going to notice or care about the minor weight fluctuation that accompanies a woman’s body chemistry, time of the month, the shift in stress habits that (may or may not) result in a little friendly food indulgence … whatever! And, when it comes to things like stretch marks, blemishes, and other superficial body imperfections — those are things you notice about yourself. The right guy doesn’t care and will gloss right over them.

A man who loves you is happiest when you’re happy in your own skin. If he’s concentrating on your imperfections, he has his own insecurities to deal with, and he’s pushing his bullsh*t on you. Not only is THAT out of your control, but it has nothing to do with you. Otherwise, just because you don’t see perfection when you look in the mirror doesn’t mean your man doesn’t see perfection when he looks at you. So stop telling him how “fat/ugly/awkward/etc.” you are. He didn’t notice until you pointed it out. 

2. That you need to argue your point (again and again). 

Most of the time once an argument is over, it’s done for him. He’s not thinking about what he could have, would have, or should have said. If you’re pushing an issue and he’s already relented, you’re projecting your own need to “win” or be right. If you’ve said your peace, let him mull things over for a bit and internalize what you’ve said. Oftentimes, in long-term relationships, you have a choice when putting issues to rest: Be right, or be happy. Happiness lasts longer.

3. That his compliments aren’t true. 

When he says that you look beautiful, he means it. He’s telling you because he believes these words. If you pipe in and insult yourself after he just complimented you, it’s like throwing a gift back in his face. You don’t have to agree with him. Just say “thank you.” 

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4. That he’s still into his ex. 

Exes are exes for a reason … and unless the relationship has just ended — or kids/finances from a past marriage — most men aren’t thinking about their ex. (The exception: if he’s not actually finished emotionally with a past relationship, it might plague him.) If you are insecure about his ex, talk about it and get some clarity. If he is spending time or focusing on his ex, that’s not about you. Most often, he’s not emotionally finished with that relationship.

The Golden Rule: The only reason an ex keeps calling is if someone is picking up the phone. If you trust him, work through your stuff and let go of your insecurities. If you don’t trust him, that’s either about you (meaning that you have past stuff you still need to solve), or he’s sending up red flags that he is untrustworthy (and what the hell are you doing with him?).

5. That he’s just like your old boyfriend. 

Your guy now is not your past. If he’s acting like your ex, that has to do with you and your selection process. But if he’s just being himself and it reminds you of something from your past, why make that his problem? Is he supposed to feign perfection and never fall short or make mistakes along the way? Take the time to reflect on your past — and work through the past hurt/pain that accompanied whatever you’re feeling … without making your man now the villain.

The issues you’re dwelling on in your relationship are your issues … not his.

The guy who’s into you doesn’t see your flaws and doesn’t try to tap into your fears and insecurities. He sees your beauty, intelligence, and unique characteristics. If he does happen to notice your flaws, not only will he not mention them, but he’ll subconsciously chalk them up to what makes you the “you” he likes/loves. 

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Besides, by focusing so much on your perceived flaws, your opinion of yourself is incorrect, biased, and screwed up. Men — REAL MEN — see past your imperfections … because THEY, TOO, HAVE IMPERFECTIONS. My advice: Stop projecting your own issues on your man, and sabotaging your love life.

The Right Guy will accept you — imperfections and all. If you’re with a man who leaves you feeling unworthy or inadequate, you’re with the WRONG guy — fire him so you can move on to someone who sees how amazing you are. And then, when you find that great guy, relax … let love in! And stop projecting your fears and insecurities all over him! 

Originally written by Charles J. Orlando on YourTango

Featured image via Jonathan Borba on Pexels

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How To Know If You Have A Fear Of Commitment & How To Overcome It

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Marilee, a client of mine, was a commitment-phobe.

“I’d love to be in a loving relationship,” she told me in one of our counseling sessions, “but I’m not willing to give up my freedom. I have a great life. I love my work and my friends. I love to travel and take workshops and classes. I don’t want anyone telling me what I can or can’t do. I don’t want to deal with someone feeling hurt because I want to work rather than be with him. It’s just not worth all the hassle.” 

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Marcus, another client of mine, also experienced fear of commitment.

“When I’m not in a relationship, that’s all I can think about it. I really want someone to play with, to love and to grow with, but soon after getting into a relationship, I start to feel trapped. I feel like I can’t do what I want to do, and I start to resent the person for limiting me,” he confides.

“Most of the time, she has no idea what’s going on and is stunned by the break-up. She thought everything was fine. After leaving her, I’m back to square one — wanting to be in a relationship. This has happened over and over again.”

Fear of commitment, known as commitment phobia, has its roots in the belief that when we love someone, we are responsible for their feelings rather than for our own.

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Once we believe that we are responsible for another’s feelings of hurt or rejection as a result of our behavior, we believe we need to limit ourselves in order to not upset the other person. Then, instead of standing up for our own freedom and right to pursue that which brings us joy, we limit our freedom in an effort to have control over the other person’s feelings. This will always eventually lead to resentment.

“Marilee,” I asked in one of our phone sessions, “What if you picked someone who also loved his work and his personal freedom?”

“Frankly, I can’t imagine that. Every man I’ve been in a relationship with has wanted to spend more time with me than I have with him. Am I just picking the wrong man over and over?” 

“No,” I replied. “But from the beginning you are not standing firm in your commitment to your freedom. You give a lot at the beginning because you enjoy being with him, but, as we’ve discussed, you also give yourself up a lot at the beginning. You make love when you don’t want to. You stay up later than you want to for fear of hurting him.”

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“Then, when you do start to tell him the truth, he’s surprised and hurt,” I explained. “Until you’re willing to risk losing him from the beginning rather than lose yourself, you will continue to create relationships that limit your freedom. You end up believing that the relationship is what limits you, but it’s your own fears and beliefs that keep limiting you.”

Similarly, in my sessions with Marcus, he discovered that he had no idea how to stand up for himself in a relationship. As soon as a woman wanted something from him, he gave it to her. He just could not bring himself to say no. Then, of course, he ended up feeling trapped. 

Ultimately, Marcus’s fear of commitment stemmed from two main sources:

  1. He believed he was responsible for her feelings, and that he was a bad and selfish person if he did anything that upset her.
  2. He was afraid that if she felt hurt, she would get angry and reject him.

As a result of these two fears, Marcus continually gave up on himself in relationships. However, giving himself up created such resentment toward his partner that he eventually didn’t want to be with her anymore and left the relationship. 

In order to have both our personal freedom and be in a committed relationship, we need to learn to take responsibility for our own feelings rather than the other person’s feelings, and we need to be willing to lose the other person rather than lose ourselves.

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Commitment phobia heals when you become strong enough to be true to yourself, even in the face of another’s anger or rejection.

If you want to have a loving relationship, then you need to do the Inner Bonding work necessary to develop a strong adult self who can be a powerful advocate for your personal freedom.

To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself first — so that you can connect with your partner and others — take advantage of psychologist and relationship expert Margaret Paul’s free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive free help on her website, and take her 12-Week eCourse, “The Intimate Relationship Toolbox” — the first two weeks are free!

Originally written by Margaret Paul on YourTango

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Photo by aranprime on Unsplash

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5 Workouts To Help You Start The New Year Off Strong

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Almost everyone celebrates the New Year with a different kind of fervor. After all, it symbolizes fresh beginnings, a clean slate, another chance at redemption. Regardless of the difficulties and challenges of the past year, you feel more hopeful, perhaps even enthusiastic, about what lies ahead. 

To be more intentional with your relationships, find a side hustle, take better care of yourself… weren’t these some of your dreams that got lost amidst the fears and frustrations of the past months? No worries! 

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Now is the perfect time to roll up your sleeves and get to work on making those dreams come true. And what better way to start the New Year strong than with these 5 top-notch exercises?

1. Walk Your Way to Health

Let’s start with the most basic of exercises — walking. Technically, walking is not considered a typical “strength-building” exercise, but it can maintain your heart health so you can engage in more intense physical activities.  

Walking may look like one of the easiest and simplest workouts but doing it daily can help you live a longer and fuller life. One study showed this physical activity can reduce the risk for all-cause and cardiovascular disease mortality. In addition, just 30 minutes every day can also boost bone strength and muscle endurance.  

When walking, check if your stance is correct. Get your head up and relax your neck, head, and shoulders. Swing your arms lightly while ensuring your back is straight. As you step forward, roll your foot from heel to toe.

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2. Get Into Resistance Training

Resistance training is essentially the same as weight or strength training. This type of workout makes your muscles work against specially calibrated weights to induce contraction and build strength. It also helps improve anaerobic endurance and increase skeletal muscle size.  

Experts recommend adults get into muscle strengthening workouts with balance and flexibility exercises at least twice a week. To maximize the benefits from resistance training and keep your body from plateauing, change up your sets, repetitions, and the types of activities you do (free weights, weight machines, resistance bands, etc.).

3. Intensify with HIIT

HIIT, or high-intensity interval training, works on the principle of alternating low and high intensities. This means you interrupt brief but vigorous workouts (1-3 minutes) with less intense activities (1-2 minutes) to allow your body some respite in between.

The bursts of activity interspersed with downtime tap both the body’s aerobic and anaerobic energy-producing systems. Interval training is especially popular among endurance athletes because it can improve cardiovascular fitness in a very short time.

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You may think HIIT is just for heart health. However, research shows that HIIT lifters achieved more significant gains in the weight room compared to the alternate group. 

As beneficial as it is, do note that interval training can be extremely demanding on your body. It’s best to see your doctor before proceeding with this type of workout.

4. Ramp It Up with SIT

If you have been doing HIIT, you will find yourself in familiar territory with sprint interval training, or SIT. You can do this type of workout anywhere and anytime without any special equipment.

It is also called the One and Done workout because you can finish a session in just 7 minutes. The word “sprint” here denotes maximum effort, which you will expend for 20 seconds. You can alternate this with one-minute active rest periods. The brief respites will give your muscles time to recover from the preceding high-energy bursts. Repeat this cycle for 7 minutes. 

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The main difference between HIIT and SIT is that the latter requires maximal or even supramaximal intensities, giving you the thrill of finding out how far your body can go.

5. Shore Up Your Pelvic Floor Muscles

Being “in the red” shouldn’t keep you from staying physically fit and strong. In fact, you can even burn calories on your period by doing pelvic-floor muscle-strengthening exercises.

The pelvic floor is a funnel-shaped muscular sheet that keeps abdominal pressure from overwhelming the bladder, uterus, and bowel. This group of muscles also supports the muscles in the abdomen, hips, and back. In addition to holding up your organs, the pelvic floor also helps ensure the proper functioning of our excretory and reproductive systems. 

To strengthen your pelvic floor, discover first where it is by stopping your urination midstream. Those muscles that have been activated are your pelvic floor muscles. Once you’ve identified where they are, sit comfortably and tighten them as if you’re lifting something off the floor. Do this for 10 to 15 times per set for 3 sets daily. Make sure to relax your abdomen, buttocks, and thighs as you perform this exercise.

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Trying one or more of these exercises will help you start off the New Year strong. Comment below which one you are most interested in trying.

Feature Image by John Arano on Unsplash

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