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‘I Like To Find Stray Dogs And Suffocate Them To Death’

NEW YORK—Addressing an accusation that he was “the most abusive customer” at New York restaurant Balthazar, Late Late Show host James Corden finally broke his silence Friday to confirm that he enjoys finding stray dogs and choking them until they die. “The rush I feel when watching the light leave a poor struggling dog’s eyes is truly my life’s greatest pleasure—I’ve been doing it since I was a child, and I am never going to stop,” said the 44-year-old comedian, who, when prodded for comment on his temporary ban from the upscale establishment for alleged rudeness towards staff over an omelet, remarked that he spends his free time roaming the streets of Los Angeles and eagerly crushing the neck of every dog ​​he encounters. “To truly rejoice in the experience of snuffing out the life of an innocent creature, I prefer to cuddle a small puppy in my lap and sing it a little show tune before drawing the cord tightly around its neck. It’s incredibly arousing, especially when I skin them alive and cover my face in their blood. Sometimes on the weekends I’ll just take out a heavy-duty garbage bag and see how many I can find.” After parrying several follow-up questions about his serial murder of dogs, Corden finally stated that he hadn’t “done anything wrong, on any level” and that the whole matter was really quite silly and beneath him.

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