“BROS, how are you preparing for weekend?”
“Which weekend? Today is Tuesday, you are asking me about weekend. Have you taken something today? Weekend? How?”
“Just that in my own thinking, the way the country is today, someone has to always plan ahead. As I am now, I plan ahead. I calculate everything”
“Stop over-calculating. The sun will go down. It will rise tomorrow morning. And all of us will still be here.”
“Speak for yourself sir.”
“What do you mean speak for yourself? You have something against the sun rising and falling, the day going to bed and rising at dawn? Are you alright?”
“You have to speak for yourself, because what is uppermost in my mind right now is how to make the most of President Tinubu’s biggest gain from his trip to Japan to attend the Tokyo International Conference on African Development in Yokohama known as TIKAD 9.”
“So? He has left Japan. He went to the United States. Los Angeles. He has now been sighted in Brazil where he is said to be on a state visit. We all read that. So?”
“No. You did not read everything. He left something behind in Japan. The Japanese have now said that as part of the Japanese trip there is now a Nigerian city in Japan to which Nigerians can relocate, and live and work. It is called the city of Kisarazu, one hour away from Tokyo where everything is available as in a modern world.”
“What does that mean?”
“It is called cultural diplomacy. And don’t forget that Prime Minister Shigeru Ishiba made the point that Japan is having population problems and that in the nearest future, Japan’s population may be halved. And now the same Minister gives us a whole city to which Nigerians can relocate. I have been having dreams. What exactly am I doing here? I can go and start afresh in Japan. I believe that nobody will miss me if I leave this country. Who is even aware that I am here? At least in Japan, I will be a celebrity. My colour will advertise me. Who knows? One Japanese girl may get so curious and decide to get close, and we can start addressing Japan’s population problem together.”
“Please why are Nigerians so dumb? What is wrong with you people?”
“Nothing is wrong with anybody. Nigerians are very adventurous people. This was how one country advertised the other year and said anybody that can come there and marry their girls will receive monetary benefits. I was determined to go. You discouraged me. Why do you always like to kill my dreams?”
“There is a difference between dreams and delusion. You are delusional. Those countries, including Japan, are interested in highly skilled workers, productive human beings who can contribute to their economy, not liabilities who are looking for women to marry.”
“You always like to talk textbook, principles. As far as Japan is concerned right now, the highest skill in the world that can help the Japanese economy is any man who can help reflate the economy by producing children. Look at me. Every part of my body is loaded with children. I am a highly skilled worker, a population expert.”
“You are a highly skilled, unserious Nigerian.”
“Bros, with due respect…”
“Go ahead and insult me. When a Nigerian tells you with due respect, he actually wants to disrespect you, so don’t worry, speak…”
“What I am trying to say now is that someone like you now, you cannot fit into the Japan of the future, you will not survive in Kisarazu, you have been married twice, you have been divorced twice, Japan is looking for skillful Nigerians who will hold down their women and produce equally skillful Nigeria-Japanese children. I want to volunteer as an ambassador. I want to represent Nigeria…”
“I never heard the Japanese talking about all these things you are saying”
“I heard them. Sometimes, silences are better than spoken words. In fact, members of President Tinubu’s delegation reportedly visited Kisarazu to stake out the territory. If any one of them is missing when the President finally returns, we know where the search party should go.”
“You people just think everything is a joke in this country. No Nigerian needs a home town in Japan. That is the truth. You can’t even speak the language.”
“Love does not speak a particular language. Romance has no specific identity. It simply flows.”
“If the Japanese want to develop bilateral relations with Nigeria, let them come and invest in the Nigerian economy. They are contractors in this economy. Refineries, steel factories, NLNG, but they don’t have a proper factory here. I don’t even know of any Nigerian doing business in Japan. They are trying to cheat us again. What Nigeria needs is investment, jobs, not Japanese babies that will help Japan and put generations of Nigerian men in trouble. If you go to Japan now, what will happen to the young, poor girl who has been with you for the past five years, hoping that some good will come out of her effort.”
“It is all for national good. I am acting in the national interest.”
“In other words, your understanding of President Tinubu’s attendance at TICAD 9 in Japan is that Nigerian men can now go and marry Japanese women in Kisarazu.”
“Nigerian women can go too. But I think our women are too much for Japanese men. They cannot cope. For where? An elephant is not something a child plays with.”
“Your government went to Japan and could not even run a booth at the Trade Expo”
“I thought Mr. Bayo Onanuga already made it clear that we were not there for a Trade Expo. Nigeria went there to strike serious deals, hold serious conversations. Other countries went there to advertise Kente, Nigeria ended up with the citizenship of a whole city! You see the logic?”
“I do not see it. I ask for some seriousness in economic diplomacy. And this whole idea of African leaders rushing to France, Russia, China, Japan and the Middle East for this and that conference whenever they are summoned makes absolutely no sense to me. We do not attend these meetings on African terms. Our leaders lack the mental and technical capability to read the fine, small prints. The Asians, Americans and the Europeans understand this too well. So, their attitude is always patronizing, colonial and condescending. They donate some money and that is it. Japan is coming here to do mining. I am sure as contractors again, and you want to go there and help them build their population. Ha!”