One of the greatest threats to young marriages is excessive parental interference, particularly in the early years. Parents — especially mothers—must resist the urge to micromanage their children’s marriages… Young couples must be allowed to make mistakes, argue, reconcile, and grow—without constant intrusion. Marriage is not perfected by surveillance; it matures through experience… That said, this principle must be balanced with wisdom, not interpreted as hostility
The couple
JANUARY was an unusually full month for my family—family now meaning my wife and I together. We had three major and deeply significant events, both centered on the creation of new families.
The first was the traditional engagement of our son, Bidemi, to his heartthrob, Demilade. The second was the formal visit by the family of our son-in-law-to-be, Tolu Ibikunle, who came with his parents and relations from Canada to formally request the hand of our daughter, Morenike, in marriage.
From Ado Ekiti we proceeded to Marakech in Morocco where Demilade and Bidemi chose to host their friends across the world for their white wedding.
The three events took place within days of each other— Lagos ,
Ado-Ekiti and Marrakech and demanded intense planning, emotional investment, and careful execution. They also kept me away from LinkedIn for a while. I missed my weekly interventions on The Lens newsletter—and I missed many of you too.
The weeks were demanding, but they were also deeply rewarding. I am grateful to everyone who worked tirelessly behind the scenes, and to friends, family and political associates who travelled from far and near to share in our joy, participate fully, and offer gifts and goodwill.
Yet beyond the ceremonies, colours, music, and photographs lies a deeper matter—the serious business of starting a new family.
Marriage Is Beautiful—but It Is Also Intricate
When two young people come together in matrimony, they are not merely uniting hearts; they are merging histories, habits, cultures, expectations, and emotional legacies. This complexity is often underestimated.
Many of the marital crises we witness today—breakdowns, divorces, and increasingly tragic endings—do not arise from the absence of love, but from the inability to manage inevitable differences.
It was this reality that shaped the advice I gave to the newest members of our families—advice I now feel compelled to share more broadly, especially with young couples.
Lesson One: Parents Must Know When to Step Back
One of the greatest threats to young marriages is excessive parental interference, particularly in the early years. Parents — especially mothers—must resist the urge to micromanage their children’s marriages.
Young couples must be allowed to make mistakes, argue, reconcile, and grow—without constant intrusion. Marriage is not perfected by surveillance; it matures through experience.
That said, this principle must be balanced with wisdom, not interpreted as hostility.
Lesson Two: Do Not Turn Love into a Competition
Wives must learn to respect the mother of their husbands—and husbands, the parents of their wives. A new wife must never see her mother-in-law as a rival to be displaced.
It takes enormous sacrifice to raise a son. The bond between a mother and her son is often deep, emotional, and longstanding. Attempting to sever it abruptly is not only unrealistic—it is self-defeating. Psychologists describe this as the Oedipus complex; life simply calls it reality.
What is required is gradual transition, not confrontation.
I illustrated this symbolically during my son’s ceremony. When he was asked to dance with his mother, I allowed it for a few minutes. Then I stepped forward, gently pulled my wife aside, and told the boy, “You now belong to someone else.”
Unknown to me, my wife had earlier joked to him, “Watch out — your father will soon come and take me away.”
It was playful, but deeply symbolic. The mother-son union had ended; a new marriage had begun. Boundaries were drawn — not through conflict, but through understanding.
Lesson Three: Marriage Does Not Cancel Gratitude
While young couples must build independent lives, they must never forget that they owe their parents gratitude, love, and care.
As I told both couples: while we may not require material support from them, we do require affection—calls, visits, concern, presence. Love expressed consistently, even sacrificially.
There is a special joy in a daughter-in-law bringing grandchildren for a weekend visit. It reassures parents that love has not been lost in transition and gives them renewed meaning.
So, I say this plainly:
- Daughter-in-law, care for your mother-in-law as you would your own mother.
- Son-in-law, treat your mother-in-law with the same devotion you would your mum.
A Personal Testimony: Love in Action
While I was in detention under the military regime, the responsibility of caring for my mother fell entirely on my wife. At the time, my mother was battling a brain tumour, and I was absent — imprisoned and unable to offer physical support.
My wife stepped fully into that breach. She took my mother to medical appointments, ensured she received her medication, attended to her needs with patience, dignity, and uncommon devotion. When my mother finally passed, it was in my wife’s arms that she breathed her last.
That act of love went beyond duty. It was compassion in its purest form—and it deepened my understanding of what marriage truly means.
I carried that same spirit into my relationship with my mother-in-law. We were so close that I could hardly do wrong in her eyes. Whenever my wife and I disagreed, I knew I had a quiet supporter in her mother.
Before her passing, she sent for me, offered advice, and gave me instructions — as a mother would a son. Two years earlier, she had asked that I celebrate her in her church. I organised a special event for her as Ìyá Ìjọ—the Mother of the Church. She was overjoyed and prayed fervently for me.
If there was one singular person who served as the glue that bound my wife and me together over the years, it was my mother-in-law.
When Parents Intervene Wisely
I recall her once visiting and observing that my wife and I were returning home too late from work and leaving the upbringing of our children largely to nannies.
She spoke firmly: “This is not good. One of you must reduce work commitments for these children.”
After discussion, she looked my wife straight in the face and said, “You will leave your bank job.”
We did not argue. Instead, we found a less demanding alternative. That single intervention shaped the upbringing of our children and contributed immensely to who they are today.
The Final Lesson
Parents can destroy marriages—but they can also save them.
When parents offer wisdom instead of control, support instead of pressure, and love instead of rivalry, they become pillars rather than obstacles.
And when young couples approach marriage with humility, gratitude, patience, and emotional intelligence, they give love the space it needs to endure.
That, ultimately, is how two families truly become one.
