A national satire on beer, broken systems, and the baffling value systems that keeps us smiling through tears.
JRD Tata had a friend who used to say that he misplaced and lost his pen very often. Hence, he would use only very cheap pens, so that he didn’t have to worry about losing them. He was worried about his carelessness.
JRD suggested to him to buy the costliest pen he could afford and see what happens.
His friend did just that and purchased a 22-carat gold Cross pen. After nearly six months JRD met him and asked him if his habit of misplacing pens still bothered him? His friend said that he had become very careful about his costly pen, and he was himself surprised how he had changed!
JRD explained to him that it was the value of the pen that had made the difference, and there was nothing wrong with him as a person!
This is what happens in our life. We are careful with things that we value the most.
Everything depends on our perception of value.
There is a global conspiracy theory that Nigerians are the happiest people on earth. A theory so bold that even we, the subjects of this emotional experiment, occasionally pause and ask ourselves, “Me? Happy? With this economy? With this exchange rate? With this insecurity? With the national grid collapsing due to national greed.”
Yet the data is undeniable: ₦1.54 trillion spent on beer in nine months.
If happiness had a budget line, this would be it.
Nigeria may not have reliable electricity, but we have reliable consumption habits. The country may not produce enough jobs, but we produce enough empty bottles. Our security architecture may look like it was designed by tired civil servants after pepper soup, but our nightlife runs like Swiss clockwork.
There are many proofs that Nigerians love enjoyment, but this new figure has carried first position. It is now official: Nigerians may not value their leaders, their hospitals, their future or their taxes, but they value cold beer like a covenant.
And who can blame us?
Living in Nigeria is like being in a relationship with someone who loves you in theory but forgets you in practice. You wake up to hardship, go to bed with uncertainty, and somewhere in the middle, your landlord sends a broadcast message saying he loves peace but is increasing rent.
If you don’t drink, what will you do?
Meditate?
You cannot meditate when the price of rice is rising and the price of petrol is behaving like a spiritual attack. Nigerians are not drinking for pleasure; many are drinking to survive the news cycle.
Every day: One tragedy, one inflation spike, one new policy, one new exchange rate. How won’t the nation drink?
We drink the way other countries run public healthcare: consistently.
We drink the way other countries fix roads: passionately.
We drink the way other nations repair institutions: with conviction.
Nigeria is the only country where people can be discussing kidnapping on one table and ordering more bottles on the next.
“Guy, dem kidnap three people for that side.”
“Ha! Serious? Abeg add two plates of peppered meat.”
It is emotional multitasking.
Because Nigerians have mastered the rare art of holding suffering in one hand and enjoyment in the other without spilling either. It is the only balance this country has ever achieved.
Bandits are roaming.
Inflation is jogging.
Cost of living is sprinting.