Marriage is a beautiful thing when it works. Having a spouse is not an achievement in itself as it does not automatically give you joy, fulfilment, or dignity. The true achievement is having a spouse who is a soulmate and fellow traveller who exalts in your wins, cries with you, and loves with you. Not just because this is increasingly rare in our time but because that is what the Almighty intended.
A woman is a helpmate, not merely a helper. Yet, the common perception is that she is the latter—an appendage to be used, taken from, squeezed, or set aside, like a piece of accoutrement that completes your apparel. Depending on the occasion, she may be dressed up and eulogised or dressed down and exchanged for others. In this interpretation of a woman’s role as helper, religion has been misappropriated to do the bidding of patriarchy, forgetting that one of history’s most celebrated figures is a woman- the mother of a truly revered Emissary of the Almighty, known as Jesus in Christianity and Isa in Islam. The 19th Surah, or chapter of the Qur’an, ‘Maryam,’ chronicles the immaculate conception and the story of Mary.
If this picture of the undervalued woman is our common lived reality, then it is no small thing when you find a man who gets that love is about shared support, not supremacy; about purpose, not possession. And that love must be reciprocal. The story gets better when that man is a pastor. Such a story appears to proclaim: ‘’Hear ye, all hypocrites hiding behind scriptures ye little understand—it is alright to love your spouse and to show it. It is alright to support them publicly, be happy for them, and root for them, just as they must do for you. In fact, it is divinely ordained and decreed so, across faiths’’.
This is a big deal in a cultural milieu where some still believe that beating a spouse is a show of love. The British Council’s 2012 Gender in Nigeria report stated that most 1524-year-old women in Nigeria think it is reasonable for a husband to beat his wife if she burns the food, refuses sex, or goes out without his permission. Little has changed since then. Today, 1 in 3 women experience gender-based violence by an intimate partner, making it the most widespread yet least talked about form of abuse.
Yet, the law of reciprocity holds true. A person who loves well is loved in return. Our Pastor’s spouse is his greatest fan. It is uncommon to have spouses speak glowingly of one another after more than three decades of marriage. I do not mean the public type words, which may or may not be genuine, but in private among friends and allies, they go down memory lane, and cancel or delegate participation at high-level international events which clash with their partner’s work because ‘’Amynaah, it is Pastor’s day, and I must be there’’ Such a man can have my feminist respect and obedience any day.
Dear Pastor Chinedu Ezekwesili, you have my utmost respect. The first time I heard you call our big sister ‘baby’ was at a public event -the graduation of the first cohort of the unconventional School of Politics, Policy and Governance (SPPG) in 2022. I was struck by the sheer genuineness, the unafraid tenderness of an almost 70-year-old, expressing marital affection in public – not common with your generation. I saw your spouse, the iconic sixty-year-old, high-flying citizen of the world, Obiageli ‘Oby’ Ezekwesili, grin and glow as that adulation buoyed her. It was a beautiful sight to behold.
We often do not recognise the power of a good example until we see the counterfactual of what happens if there is no positive role modelling. Some young people I have talked with across genders fear marriage, believing that romance fades after the wedding, and that marriage wears away love fraying at the seams, eating itself inwards until it implodes. Yet, family remains important because it is the foundation of a steady, stable society upon which every positive value may be built. Family is the litmus test for trust, without which nothing holds.
As a Pastor of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, you show by example that religion is an enabler. Our faith should shine through and not be worn as a heavy toga. It should call to, warm to, not shun – surely, that is how to fish. Your spouse, Dr. Oby Ezekwesili, is not only well-read, but her general knowledge lexicon is one of the broadest that I know—from pop culture to architecture, accounting to accountability. She is a formidable political intellectual, the type that mediocrity would turn with its tail between its legs at a hint of her. Finished with her incredible sense of style and dignity, she carries herself with an inborn confidence that says, ‘I got sunshine on a cloudy day.’ When I met you, I understood why.
Dr Oby has created Africa’s single largest leadership experiment rooted in volunteerism – the #FixPolitics Movement and its unconventional SPPG. The potential for good unleashing a positively disruptive cohort of citizens passionate about redeeming Africa and safeguarding our commonwealth holds is not yet fully grasped. Suffice it to say that Africa loses billions of dollars every year due to bad governance. Corruption and poor leadership weaken economies, slow progress, and make life harder for millions. If we had better governance, our economies would be stronger, and communities would thrive. The SPPG is shaping a new generation of leaders who will champion change, impacting women, youth, and the poor through a multiplier effect that strengthens communities.
I sent in a video for your 70th birthday in 2024. I am reproducing the text here:
Dear Pastor Chinedu,
Thank you for your charming ways and Godliness. Thank you for enabling lives and opportunities through your work. Thank you for being unafraid of strong, visionary women. You have been the wind behind the sails of your baby – our sister, mother, mentor, and founder of the FixPolitics Movement, Dr Oby Ezekwesili. That our big sister is a curator of many transformative and disruptive ideas is due in large measure to you and your faith in her. You give marriage meaning, pastor. You give hope to those who are afraid of the very idea of marriage. Thank you for inspiring us not by talking about what a good man does but by showing us just what that looks like. We hope to gather for your centenary soon, in grace and giving glory to the Almighty. Happy birthday, dear Pastor Chinedu. Imela! Allah ya ja kwana!
Happy International Women’s Day. May every day be Women’s Day, someday.
Amina Salihu, Abuja
March 08, 2025